Thursday, February 23, 2012

the perfect prison

i have a confession. i've been in prison most of my adult life. it's not something i'm proud of but it's something i feel needs to be shared.
it's the prison of perfectionism.

does she look familiar? (monica from friends)

what about him?? (creepy husband from sleeping with the enemy...i can still hear that scary music that was always playing when he was close by!)

i ran a close race with these two.

everything in my world had to be perfect
perfect house.
perfect family.
perfect relationships.
perfect children.
perfect "look"

do you know how exhausting that is??

and the thing about it is as women, we are brainwashed by the world to think this way. look at the cover of any magazine.
models airbrushed to have perfect bodies. hair. clothes.
homes that have the perfect furniture. wall colors. lighting.

for me, it was an addiction. an obsession. it caused me not to be fully present at certain times in my life.

when having friends over i would constantly be thinking about all the cleaning i was going to have to get done when everyone was gone. or even before they arrived, was everything in its proper place. or i couldn't even have friends over because the house wasn't decorated exactly how i wanted or the yard wasn't landscaped just perfectly.

going out on dates was a whole other issue. was i wearing a cute enough outfit? was i having a good hair day? because let me tell you if those things didn't happen, it would set my mood for the night. i couldn't fully enjoy myself without having these thoughts in the back of my mind.

the stress of my boys having friends over to play. what kind of mess were they making? did they have to drag out every.single.blanket we owned and rearrange all the furniture just to build a fort that would be played in for a total of five minutes?

see the pattern???

this is what i've learned.....
my friends don't come over to see our house, they come to see us.

it's not what my clothes or hair or outside appearance looks like, it's the character of my heart.

i want my boys to enjoy having their friends over. i want them to enjoy using their imagination.

these chains are slowly being loosened. i still have more moments than i want where these "need to be perfect" feelings come right back. but i will say i'm not confined to this twenty-four hour prison cell anymore. although i do still visit it from time to time, it's just that...a visit!

visit the nester for more perfect imperfections!

1 comment:

domestiCate said...

Well written! I struggle with many of the same things. I'm not as motivated as you, though...well done on the spring cleaning!